The menu is the most useless colonial concept imported to Africa. It doesn’t matter if you are in a 5 star hotel or a local lunch joint, the concept is equally misunderstood. You are usually presented with what appears to be a typical menu- i.e. lists of dishes are arranged by category, appetizers, meat, pasta, fish etc… and the fare is usually very predictable—chips, samosas, choma, curries—but sometimes refreshingly exotic – sushi, pasta carbonara, crab. The fancier the restaurant, the bigger and more elaborate the menu. When you begin to order from the menu is when you realize that this is no typical menu:
“I’ll have the spicy prawns with rice”
“Sorry, no prawns today”
(that automatically eliminates garlic prawns, grilled prawns, fried prawns, and curried prawns).
“Um, OK, I’ll have a cheeseburger”
“Let me check with the kitchen and see if it’s available”
Ten minutes later. “I’m sorry, but there’s no burgers today”
“Pizza?”
“We don’t have”
“How about grilled fish?”
“Let me check…” (this means no).
For the first month or so I would always get very excited about a new menu at a new restaurant. “Ohhhh look, they have sushi!” Patrick would say nothing and watch bemused as I tried to order raw fish. High entertainment value. Now he just asks me why I set myself up for disappointment. These days (now that we are seasoned Kenyans!) when we go into a restaurant, we barely even look at the menu. We just start with “What do you have today?”
Another important fact—no cooking, and sometimes even shopping, is done before something is ordered. This means it could take sometimes, literally, HOURS to get your food. I mean, it takes a while to kill the chicken, pluck the chicken, clean the chicken, and THEN grill the chicken…
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